Anyone Else Remember Those Channels In The Music Section Of My Telewest Box That Would Play Music Videos But Also Have This Thing Where They'd Tell You How Strong Your Relationship Was

(note: i wrote this all in one go and then came back and added links/explanation to shit I couldn't remember cause i though it'd be funnier that way)

Okay, so you remember cable? It was like Twitter but with significantly less ability to melt your brain. Anyway, my dad had Telewest - remember Telewest? It was one of the cable providers that became Virgin Media in like 2006 along with ntl: and a third one that I shan't bother looking up. (edit: hey, turns out telewest was originally called croydon cable big up the ends. Also the third company in the merger was fucking virgin lmao I hate being a moron) Anyway, my dad had Telewest cable, and the EPG - you know, the guide thingy - was structured in the usual way. Like 100-200 was "General Entertainment" - your BBC1s, your Sky 1s, your DMAX+2s. The big boys. 200-300 was like "weird alternative entertainment" channels. Documentary channels like Nat Geo and Military History; Men and Motors; whatever the fuck The Community Channel was; those weird African vaguely religious channels hung out there (the Asian channels we bought one year to watch the IPL were in the early 800s)(edit: christ, star tv is fox and therefore disney? they really do be everywhere); and the proper unrated timeshift channels like LIVINGtv+24, which I swear to god was a thing. Remember LIVINGtv? It was like Channel Five except less upmarket and poncey (edit: lmao turns out the +24 timeshift was actually Channel 5, I promise I made the joke before I looked that up). Real car crash television like "Jade Goody: The Cancer Years", "Kerry Katona Attempts To Do Her Weekly Shop At Iceland Without Having A Breakdown" (edit: turns out this was THREE (3) separate shows on MTV, as was this mess), and this show where a gay scouse bloke bullied fat people. I honestly think it might've just been called Fat Families! (edit: this only had six episodes? I watched this all the time! wtf!!!!!)

god, it's been a while since i've posted, sorry

Anyway, 300-400 was the music channel section. Remember music channels? They were like YouTube only you couldn't do anything about them playing Kings of Leon all day. I mentioned them in the FIFA Post but they essentially ran on a spectrum from "all music videos", through "music videos but with continuity like a VJ (video jockey lmao) in a studio or a voiceover", through"a combination of music videos and regular programming", up to "just regular programs", i.e. MTV. They moved it to the General Entertainment zone by the time I was a teenager (they also put TLC there from the documentary section) but at this point, in the early 2000s, the channel was already dominated by shit like Teen Mom (edit: whoops that was way later. they didn't get on the lisa scott-lee kerry katona hype til 2007.) . Anyway, this was 2003 or so, so a lot of the ads on these music channels, from TMF, to Scuzz, to Channel U, revolved around ringtones. Remember ringtones? They were like noises your phone made in exams when you forgot to put it on silent. Anyway, they were big business back then, and one of the biggest companies on the scene was Jamster. Remember Jamster? They invented Crazy Frog! It wasn't a song originally! It was literally just a frog making motorbike noises! (edit: HIS DICK WAS VISIBLE FROM THE BEGINNING WHY WAS EVERYONE FINE WITH THIS) People paid serious money for these! Anyway, along with Crazy Frog, but before they started selling the work of emo goddess Anna Blue, they had this love calculator thing. You texted them your name, your (potential) partner's name, and - for a small fee, of course - they would let you know the percentage chance of your relationship working out. Here's a helpful video that shows what I mean.

What would happen, then, is this love calculator would be displayed during the music videos. You'd be vibing to some 2004 banger and all around you it'd be like "Taylor and Joe - 78% ❤❤❤" or "David and Amber - 13% 😭👎🏾" and such. They'd also entice you into joining the 'fun'. Your screen ended up looking something like this:

"you're beautiful, I just want you to know, the phone says we have an 86% chance of staying together (oh oh)"

...and that's all she wrote! That's what was going on with the weird love calculator displays on cable music channels in the early 2000s! Click here to read about some more nostalgic TV channels, or browse my Anyone Else Remember tag to read more rambling about shit I remember!

I promise I'll do something smart soon