There's a chapter in Freakonomics where they go through the process by which a first name moves from being classy to trashy. I don't remember much about it, because I read the book five years ago and absorbed little, but it always comes to mind whenever I see a football player with a double-barrelled surname.
Time was, a double-barrelled surname was a surefire indicator of class. The landed gentry of this country would keep both their parents' surnames as a symbol of their various titles as people intermarried , and things could get very fucked up very quickly - check out how many titles and surnames belong to Richard Plantagenet Campbell Temple-Nugent-Brydges-Chandos-Grenville, 3rd Duke of Buckingham and Chandos for example.
Now, though, the class association has diminished somewhat, since loads of people have parents who divorced/never married/didn't change surnames because they think it's a dumb tradition/whatever now; when I hear double-barrelled surnames I most readily associate them with promising young (and I'll be honest, mixed-race) English footballers. I'm not sure when it started, but my best guess would be the Wright-Phillips brothers. It is my hypothesis that every team in the UK has at least one player with a double-barrelled surname, but I'm only going to go through the Premier League, and first team squads only - if I do the U21s etc. I'll be here all year. I'll be giving a point every time we find a double-barrelled player (DBP), and a bonus point if they're what I'd call the "Grealish" - a homegrown player universally beloved by the team's fanbase and normally universally unrated, if not despised, outside of it, named for Aston Villacunt player Jack Grealish. Let's go!
uwu who's this?
Time was, a double-barrelled surname was a surefire indicator of class. The landed gentry of this country would keep both their parents' surnames as a symbol of their various titles as people intermarried , and things could get very fucked up very quickly - check out how many titles and surnames belong to Richard Plantagenet Campbell Temple-Nugent-Brydges-Chandos-Grenville, 3rd Duke of Buckingham and Chandos for example.
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| Rick's coat of arms needed 719 different quarters |
Now, though, the class association has diminished somewhat, since loads of people have parents who divorced/never married/didn't change surnames because they think it's a dumb tradition/whatever now; when I hear double-barrelled surnames I most readily associate them with promising young (and I'll be honest, mixed-race) English footballers. I'm not sure when it started, but my best guess would be the Wright-Phillips brothers. It is my hypothesis that every team in the UK has at least one player with a double-barrelled surname, but I'm only going to go through the Premier League, and first team squads only - if I do the U21s etc. I'll be here all year. I'll be giving a point every time we find a double-barrelled player (DBP), and a bonus point if they're what I'd call the "Grealish" - a homegrown player universally beloved by the team's fanbase and normally universally unrated, if not despised, outside of it, named for Aston Villa
Premier League
AFC Bournemouth (0)
Fantastic. None. Jefferson Lerma (Solis) has two surnames but 1) that's common practice in Hispanophone countries, and 2) no one ever calls him that. This is going poorly. No points for Bournemouth, then.Arsenal (1)
Our first points go to Ainsley Maitland-Niles, Arsenal utility player and academy product. He's not a Grealish, though, so just the one point. There are a couple other youngers hovering around the Europa League squads, but they haven't played so that'll be that for Arsenal. |
| "Fam, are you sure you wanna build an entire post around this? It's not even very funny." Fuck you, Ainsley, go back to getting benched by Carl fucking Jenkinson, dickhead. Man said "are you sure" yknow... |
Brighton & Hove Albion (0)
Once again, Brighton conspire to ruin my life. God, I hate them. Have this instead of a player.Burnley (0)
Jesus CHRIST. Once again, Jóhann Berg Guðmundsson is tantalisingly close, but I can't tell whether "Berg" is actually part of his surname, and in any case Iceland don't really do surnames so really he has NO surnames. Perhaps that should be a negative point, but I don't want Burnley fans whining at me about disgusting anti-Burnley bias in the blogosphere as they are wont to do so I shan't dock them anything.Cardiff City (2.5)
Nathaniel Mendez-Laing keeps things simple for their first point, and despite the lack of hyphen Bruno Ecuele Manga counts for me (Gabon is Francophone so it's not like for Lerma, plus commentators will refer to him as Ecuele Manga), but what's the .5? Bobby Reid sometimes calls himself Bobby DeCordova-Reid in honour of his mother. That's not consistent, but I thought I'd acknowledge it. It also gives Cardiff the opportunity to be first place in something for however brief a period.
King.
Chelsea (4)
This time we've got Ruben Loftus-Cheek, talented centre-mid, Palace alum, and designated thirst trap; Jake Clarke-Salter, who is from my ends, is currently on loan at Vitesse Arnhem, Chelsea's nursery, and has made a grand total of one (1) appearance for the first team; and our first Grealish, Callum Hudson-Odoi. One of the most fascinating stories this year has been Hudson-Odoi's emergence into the Chelsea squad, and subsequent lauding in the press. I don't disagree that he's very good, but he's made 12 first-team appearances ever, and you want me to believe that he deserves and England place, and 40mil offers from Buyern (do you get it cause they want to buy him and they're Bayern)? Not having it, don't care how inept Sarri is, he's made the right choice in not jumping wholehearted aboard the CHO-train. Watch how he absolutely Walcotts himself. Or watch me eat my words - I will do an apology post if he turns out to be sick, I promise. Four points to Chelsea, then, putting them in front.Ruben Loftus (can get these) Cheeks 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍— cornelia 🦋 (@ccoker93) July 3, 2018
We desperately, DESPERATELY, need to do something about toxic femininity.
Crystal Palace (1)
Youth keeper Dion Curtis-Henry has never made a first team appearance so it's just Wan-Bissaka for us. Wan-Bissaka is almost our Grealish except he's ACTUALLY good and everyone else is salty. He's been a consistent presence in our defence for the past season and a half, and yet hasn't had a sniff at the England team. You'd think the England setup would be more careful after our real Grealish Wilf Zaha defected to Côte d'Ivoire after not getting a look in, but never mind. "Wait, do you not rate Zaha?" Why would you say that? "You said 'AWB is almost Grealish except good' and then called Zaha a Grealish." Oh. Yeah, I guess I did. Zaha is incredibly talented, grew up moments away from Selhurst Park, and I will love him as long as I live, but I just saw a poll on Twitter where the majority of people said he was worth over £100mil. That makes him officially overrated, and therefore the Grealish. Sorry, I don't make the rules (I do). If he leaves, expect all fan-love to swap to AWB. Assuming he doesn't leave too. God, I hate big clubs and their money and actual aims beyond "don't get relegated," it's not fair.Everton (1.5)
That'll be powerful centre-forward Dominic Calvert-Lewin with a single, then. Honourable mention to Ademola Lookman for being the platonic ideal of a Double Barrelled Meme Player despite not having the surname - a pacy winger of Afro-Carribean descent (c.f. CHO, Mendez-Laing; Maitland-Niles and AWB are wing backs but still) from South London (AWB, CHO, RLC) underutilised by his club (CHO, RLC). I'm awarding half a point for being really really close.Fulham (1)
Just André-Frank Zambo Anguissa here. We'll come back to loanee Timothy Fosu-Mensah when we do Man U. |
| South is actually in charge. Confused as to why nothing's happening east of Lewisham? Read about The Orient here. |
Huddersfield (1)
I was skeptical, but Jon Gorenc Stankovic has two surnames, so that's one. Huddersfield aren't bottom, hooray!Leicester City (0)
Like Bournemouth, despite having a strong set of British youngers, no DBPs are present. Sad! Many such cases. I will take this time to make it clear that a DBP is any double-barrelled player, but a Double Barrel MEME player has to fit at least three of the things I mentioned with regard to Lookman - South London, Black British, pacy, wide player, in conflict with his club, etc.Liverpool (3)
The recently returned (tonight, at the time of writing) Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain is joined by Trent Alexander Arnold, aka Sainsbury's Basics Aaron Wan-Bissaka. Liverpool's full backs are very good, and between Robertson and TAA I'd be inclined to give the Grealish title to TAA simply because he's Scouse and that's part of the point. Three points to Liverpool, then. Let's see if City can beat them.Manchester Cit
De Bruyne goes close but names like de, van, le, etc. don't count. Tom Dele-Bashiru skims the bar - coming on for Foden in the 91st minute of a League Cup game doesn't count as an appearance, sorry. Cameron Humphreys-Grant is able to stick one away for City by coming on in the 88th minute of an FA Cup game, which is better because at least that's not extra time. Ultimately City bottle it and hand the game to Liverpool by having one (1) DBP.
Manchester United (1)
Just Fosu-Mensah? Really? Yet another way these giants have fallen off the pace. Joel Castro Pereira has made one appearance, but that's Lusophone rules so, once again, doesn't count. Fuck Man U.
Newcastle United (0)
No, Ki Sung-Yeung doesn't count, that's his first name(s) not his surname. Sorry, Toon.
Southampton (2)
Just James Ward-Prowse, who, if it were any other season than this one, I would roast for being a Walcott-esque player that's always just about to get good but never does. Consensus is he's finally gotten good under Hassenhuttl, and added all-round midfield quality to his sick set pieces. Creative attacking midfielder from the academy come good? Oh, you'd better believe that's a high-quality Grealish.
Spurs (2)
Remember, Heung-min is the given name. Kyle Walker-Peters has made the odd appearance for the first team, and Cameron Carter-Vickers started in a League Cup game against Gillingham, and if I gave Man City Humphreys-Grant, Spurs can have CCV. Time's running out to dethrone Chelsea, though, we only have three teams left.
Watford (0)
Cunts. Cunts, the lot of them.
West Ham United (0)
With that damp squib, we are now placing our trust in Wolves to catch Chelsea. May God have mercy on our souls.Wolves
Gibbs-White is currently in the first team, and as the resident homegrown attacking mid he qualifies for Grealish status. You don't have to be a number 10 to be a Grealish, but it helps, because they're most likely to be in the milieu and produce something amazing when it comes time to rustle some other fans. Benny Ashley-Seal exists apparently, on loan to a Portuguese team, in a reversal of their usual scam. He came on for Bonatini in a League Cup game, which I have to accept, though. Ethan Ebanks-Landell slides in from Rochdale to still technically be on Wolves' books with his 42 appearances. And that'll be that, Wolves equal Chelsea's record of 4 points. Unless...uwu who's this?
Phil Ofosu-Ayeh?
On loan at Würzburger Kickers??
FROM WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS???
THEY'VE DONE IT! THEY'VE BEATEN CHELSEA AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MOM-
i'msorryweneedtogotoVAR
NO SENIOR TEAM APPEARANCES
JOB'S FUCKED
IT'S OVER
Wolves do in fact end the Double Barrel Meme Player League level on points with Chelsea at (4).
In summary
My prediction was wrong - only 65% of teams have a DBP, and only a quarter have more than one. It's not as widespread a phenomenon as I thought, though it'll be interesting to revisit the concept in a few years in the wake of new academy graduates. I still think this trend is only going to increase. This was an incredibly stupid post, in any case. I promise I'll do something insightful next time.
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